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WOUNDED ADULT CHILDREN
We are all wounded, and as a parent, it is not if we will wound our children, but how bad, and what are we going to do about now that we have a knowledge of how our past dictates our present.
In my earlier post I said that the best thing we can do when we wound our young children, is to immediately go to them and ask for forgiveness. But what if you discover that you have wounded your children, and now they are in their teens, or early 20’s?
In 2003 when I first learned that I had deep father wounds that I was continuing to live out of, I was attending a Wild at Heart conference with my 18 year old son. I also had a 15 year old daughter at home…not only was I reeling from my own wounds, but
I was painfully aware in that moment, that I had done the same to my children. What are we supposed to do with that?
A very wise man once told me that what I needed to do was to go back to my grown children and ask them “what was it like having me as a father”. Have you ever heard the term Sphincter Factor? Well let me tell you, I was in a full blown Sphincter Factor moment when I heard that. The next thing he said was that if I was a blessed man, they would be brutally honest with me. And whatever they tell me, do not try and defend myself, or give an excuse of how difficult life was during that time.
There was a part of me that wanted to avoid that conversation like the plague. However, I knew that if I was going to take this stuff seriously, I needed to invite the conversation. A year or so later our family took a vacation out in Colorado. We were at a campground enjoying the beautiful surroundings when my daughter Liz came to me and asked if we could go for a walk. Sure honey…I mean who doesn’t want their 16 year old daughter to ask for some time together.
I had forgotten that I invited both of my kids to speak to me honestly about how I may have wounded them. Liz and I came to a clearing and sat down in the afternoon sun. After a bit of small talk, Liz said “Dad, I think I know what my father wound is.” I swallowed hard, and said, ok let me hear it. Through tears she said that she had always been afraid of me because of my explosive anger. Crap! As I was reeling from Liz’s brave and honest statement, I heard the voice of my wise friend saying “take it like a man” Oh honey, I am so sorry that I have put you in that terrible position of having to be afraid of me…I am so sorry…will you forgive me? No defending, no excuses, just painful tears because my daughter was willing to speak the truth in love.
As I write this some 14 years later, I can still feel the searing pain of those words, and the reality that I scared my daughter because I was a broken and angry young man.
Photo by Caleb Bishop on Unsplash
I asked Liz if she would be willing to recount that conversation and share with you what that day was like, and how that conversation has affected our relationship over the years.
From Liz:
It wasn’t until I started to see the change in your heart and how you handled your anger differently, that I was brave enough to tell you what my wound was. But you had given me the invitation that when I was ready to have that talk you would listen. I remember a week or so before the talk I had gotten back from the wilderness trek. I was sitting at the table telling you and Mom about my trip, 17 years old, and I knocked over my drink. I immediately looked up in fear to see if you were angry and you weren’t! You said it was not a big deal and cleaned it up. That’s when I knew you were changing and that’s what made me brave enough to talk to you about it the next week when we went back to Colorado for our camping trip. I remember knowing that if we were going to move past the disconnect in our relationship that I had to tell you what it was that kept me guarded and that was your anger. We walked from the path to the lookout over the lake and that’s when I told you that your anger was my biggest wound, that I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around you. I was afraid to disappoint you and make you shake your head. I realize now that it was the shame I was so afraid of. I never knew what reaction I could expect out of you so it caused me to withdraw and protect myself. I was afraid to make a mistake and I was afraid to mess up. The biggest result of that conversation was the step towards vulnerability and healing. It did not happen overnight, it took many scenarios of watching you handle your anger differently that caused trust to follow that conversation until at some point I knew that your anger was not about me or what I did.
Did you catch the part about her gaining trust as I gradually received healing and my anger started to subside? That is why I tell everyone that I meet with that the most important step in healing any relationship starts with working on our own heart first.
I am guessing that as you have read this post, that perhaps you too are experiencing Sphincter Factor. I can only hope that you will take this as a nudge from the Spirit of God to look for a time and place to sit with your grown children and ask them…”what has it been like to have me as your father?” And if you are a blessed man, they will tell you. Don’t defend, or avoid, just take it like and man, and then ask them to forgive you. Remember, Jesus came to seek and save “what has been lost”.
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